The journey of the past 9 years has been a tumultuous one. I've had to "conquer fools" as O.A.R (my favorite band of all time) says in one of their songs. The song is about defeating some of life's most challenging struggles like mental illness,addiction or a broken heart in which they have cleverly deemed "Conquering Fools." In order for me to be where I am at today, I had to defeat the devils grip and have had to conquer those fools many times over. That journey in itself, will always be an ongoing battle but in it I have learned more about myself than one could imagine as the battle moves on.
People say your college years are supposed to be your most care-free years of your life and truthfully they can be if you let them be! They can also be a time in your life when you do the most self realization and when your in your most vulnerable state. I am a very deep and analytical thinker almost to a fault. So take that trait and pair it to someone who struggled with illnesses like anxiety and depression. The frustrations caused by severe anxiety and bouts of mild to moderate self loathing aka depression ultimately caused addiction to form in order to escape the harsh reality I was dealing with at that time. It never made sense at the time but when I put it into words like I am doing now the writing was on the wall.
Growing to understand your inner self can go two ways; positively or negatively and in my case it didn't go so smoothly. I struggled the minute I was set free of my comfort zone which was high school. I had that gut feeling of worry and uncertainty of the future just as I'm sure many high school graduates do but for some reason I fell a little harder than most. I fell away from everything I worked so hard to get in life and I was stuck. I moved around to try to rid the fools but they always lurked in the shadows waiting for a moment of weakness. Those moments of weakness came more and more often as the arms on the clock turned clockwise all the while my life was moving in a counter clockwise direction.
One day I woke up after waging war on myself for the last time and I looked in the mirror. I realized at that moment that change was necessary and imminent. I finally turned a corner and saw a doctor for some out patient treatment. I was placed on some medication that took care of the issue at hand but it too had some bad qualities that I would have to conquer in order to eventually go back to a normal healthy life. The treatment itself was pretty simple and I remained a good boy for almost 9 months until I came across another hiccup in my recovery. My doctor stopped taking my insurance and I was to stubborn to find another so I quit the treatment drug rather quickly. Instead of the 3 month program to effectively eliminate my need for the medicine I stopped it within in a week while on vacation of all places!
At that pivotal point in my life, it was time to make the change official by just eliminating the need for a substitute of any kind and getting back to the reality of life as a 27 yr old man. My steadfastness lasted 2 months until the day I was forced to resign at my job. The word to explain the pain of that day wasn't in my vocabulary. I had just lost my dream job and I had no place to go for work and on top of it I had to say goodbye once again to my comfort zone of close friends and amazing co-workers who had helped me through so much. Here I was again back at square one and I didn't know where to turn but to that old love-hate relationship that I had conquered so long ago.
Again after 6 months of waging war on myself, I sit here and write this today on the eve of my of hopefully gaining control back in my life. I just want to touch my toes in the water of life. This time is more meaningful that ever and I have my best friend on my side in Jesus. I found him again after turning my back on him for 8 years. Although, I put him aside in my head because I knew I was doing wrong by him, I know that he never left my side. He's been on this journey with me ever since that day at Young Life's Woodleaf camp where I let him into my life on that park bench overlooking the stars. I ask of forgiveness as I take this soul to the depot for a fill-up of peace and happiness. A deep cleaning and energizing is what I will pay the price because fighting this battle isn't without its pain and sleepless nights. However, humbled, I am that my friend Jesus will be there with me this time as I conquer this fool once and for all! His help and prayers from my friends will enable me to conquer this fool you just see!
Thanks for reading a little about me. Hopefully this will give you a better idea of who I am.
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